so today i got to hang out with joy. it was something that i desperately needed for my mental health :) so thank you joy.

sushi was also good. i had been getting tired of the cafateria food.

so, i'm at home for the weekend, having a well needed rest from campus life. i won't feel so clostrophobic and surrounded by so many people i don't know. i was going through a bunch of old journals and art sketch books. i'm 1) amazed at how horrible of an artist i was and how i've slowly progressed throughout the years and 2) i was so on-fire for Christ when i was 18. it seems so long ago and distant. Although my understanding of God and His word have gotten stronger, i feel like i am not as close as i once was all those years ago. I had such an intense thirst to grow in my relationship with Him and now it feels stagnant. i know i want that to change, i know i want that deep feeling of "wanting to grow". i just pray that that will soon come. i need to get out of my "I'm to lazy" mind-set and focus on Christ. i had written so many long passages of the Bible in so many of my journals. i was so into the word and wanting to understand it. God rocks and i knew it then, and i know it now. so anyways. I love God and i want that intense feeling again. i don't want to lose that ZEAL.

so onto other random stuff...
i will blog about my first "date" :) (mainly because i would like to remember everything that happened, just in case i forget in the future. hahaha)
well, there is this guy at work, his name is Jake, and i like him. it was sortof a slow process. i thought he was attractive, but we never talked. then one day we had lunch at the same time and we were talking and i asked if he beleived in God (i do that randomly to alot of my c-workers...) and he said he did, and i then asked if he beleived in Jesus...because it was only through Christ that we could get to the father (it actually didn't come out like that...not so theological...) and he laughed and said "yah. i like you" (as a friend...) then we talked more. and he always wanted to hug me hahahah....and i just slowly started liking him. ANYWAYS!!!! all this to say...we ended up through quite awkward moments, saying that we liked each other, and that was that. one day i was on an aisle with Inez and Ivan, and inez said she wanted to go to wongs kings. and we all ended up deciding to go together. i really wanted to invite jake but i figured he would make up an excuse...so i told ivan to ask him. and so jake was invited. and as the day approached i realized...this might be my first date. so i got really nervouse and i didn't know how to act or what to say. well...i'll skip the boring details. me and alissa (who i invited for moral support) arrived first. then inez came and she brought her daughter and her friend (wich made the evening THAT MUCH MORE AWKWARD) then jake and ivan showed up and jake looked nice...hahaha, i only say that because he likes to make a statement i think. he's really into fashion. i really tried not to look at him to much, and as i was ordering i completely lost my appetite from me being so nervouse. so when the food came i probably took like five bites. i don't really remeber the conversation, except jake randomly looked at me and said "the condoms that you ordered for your department came and I! had to put them away...." that was really funny. and it went vulgar really fast...but i don't recall what was said. anyways. jake ended up paying for EVERYONE! i don't know if he was trying to impress me or if he was just trying to pay for just us and the waitress did everyone and he was to proud to make her change it. i don't know. but we were done eating and we all stood awkwardly in the lobby of Wongs and i still don't know why we were waiting around. but i decided to step out of my comfort zone and initiate the HUG with jake. (he usually is the one who runs up to me and hugs me...) then after that momentous hug ivan asked if me and alissa wanted to go see a movie with him jake and ivans girlfriend. i really wanted to but i left it up to alissa, and i think she could tell that i wanted to so she said yes (bless her heart! hahahaha!!!!) so we left. inez went home. and i drove alissa and jake went with ivan. well. we got to the theaters and finally got in and were sitting down. and i just remember enjoying sitting next to him. and every once in a while during the movie he'd lean over and say something to me. and i kept thinking "what would i do if he tried to hold my hand? would i let him...? probably...maybe...maybe not...!" he never tried though hahah. and jake always smells really nice (i can't beleive i just said that...but it's true) anyways it was nice. and i also enjoyed watching alissa get scared over action scenes. hahaha. well, we got out of the theater and i gave jake another hug, said goodbye, and we were off. it was a really fun night, even though i felt nautious with nervousness half the night. that is what happened. and i'm going to press the "post" button before i delete this and my memories forever!

so i am going to vent. right here, right now. i absolutely hate school, this is not where i should be. my body wasn't meant to be around so many people at one time. each day makes me feel more clostrophobic and i feel like my heart is going to be torn from my chest. Graphic i know, but there have been just so many days where i just wanted to sit down and cry. in fact, this last week i did. i had just got denied to EAT! because i had accidentaly left my id card at home, so i couldn't eat the food that i was FREAKING!!! (YES FREAKING!!!!) PAYING FOR! and as i turned away from the guy who was saying..."i'm sorry, i need your card" i just started to cry. and i hate it when people see me cry, so i ran off campus as discreetly as i could and walked to this park that was just a second away, and i sat at a bench and just cried for like 20 minutes. it wasn't that i couldn't eat. the guy was nice, somewhat, it wasn't that. it was the constant feeling of lonliness, not knowing anyone yet having so many people around me. it was the constant stress of not being able to pay for college. it was the constant...worry. the stress of 40 hours of work and almost full time college! it was just waying so heavily on me. needless to say, i felt so much better after that little crying spell. sometimes the Lord just takes us to a spot where we need to be broken, and i really had never felt that before. it makes the Love of Christ that much more beautiful and in a way more tangible. I always knew in my heart that God loves me. but after that moment, it was like i could almost really feel it. maybe a grain of heavan. who knows. but i really feel like Bible College isn't for me. I love learning about the Lord, and serving Him. but i think this isn't the place for me to fo it. i miss my friends, and my family. and i'm just so stressed out.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!

ok. thanks blogger for letting me vent. your almost like a diary, except now everyone knows what i'm dealing with. Peace out all of you faithful readers of my blog.

Tomorrow i work, then the next day i start classes. I'm really excited!

well. it's been a few busy weeks, but let me just say! i love God and i'm ready to know more about Him...

i moved into my dorm this week at Multnomah!!!! i actually ran into a lady who was a huge! impact on my spiritual growth when i was a teen. Laura from TCL. it was really good to see her. she just happened to start coming here also.

so about last night. I got off work, all tired but ready. I had already packed my car full of clothes and stuff, so i just drove to the school.hen i got there everyone was already eating dessert and mingling so i felt really out of place. i didn't know where to go or who to talk to. so i just wandered around and decided to find my dorm. well, i forgot the room # and my roommates # so i just wandered around until i got the courage to ask some random girl how i was supposed to find my room is i didn't know the #. so she wandered around with me and of course there were names on all the doors, and after about 10 minutes we finally found my room! and lucky for me, i'm in a room full of seniors and we have these cool new remodeled rooms. they have this nice sitting room in the center, than two rooms branch off of it on either side. and me and my roommate Hannah have one room and this girl named Julia and ....someone else (who hasn't come yet) has the other room. so we have four total. PLUS!!! as you may have noticed, i have free WI-FI in my room and throughout the campus!!! so i'm really excited about that. anyways. when i ended up in my room and i met the two girls it all sort of hit me that this was where i would be living for a long time. i was never really scared. it just got really exciting, and a bit awkward because i've never really shared a room with a girl about the same age as me. so hopefully the Lord will try me in new and different ways. Hannah is really nice. we have similarity's and differences. i'm excited to get to know a bunch of new people.

today we took and Entrance exam for new studants to see where we are Biblically. and i pretty much failed. i hope i get to know all the stuff on that test. wich i probably will. i'm really excited about that.

well. be praying for me. financial stuff is the only thing i'm really stressed about.


see you all later!

wow. it's been so long since i've posted. it's time to dust off this old blog page and update myself. letsee. i've been traveling recently. went to Nepal. it was quite a trip and i should blog about it sometime. i'm going to be going to multnomah the end of this month. i'm really stressed about finances. i got a puppy. his name is gizmo. he is a cuttie. all my friends are trying to set me up with different guys, but i would rather the guy come to me. it just seems better that way.
i was transferred to mollola thriftway so i'm working there. it's alot of fun. alot of different people i've been getting to know. i should get some cool pictures up here. that'd be great. i went to counsel high school camp a few weeks ago with my church. ot was really fun. and a little challenging. joy and emily, my to good friends are both pregnant. so that's really exciting. i'm learning all about babies through them. i'm going to a homegroup in scott and becky's house now. it's alot of fun. and........yah. i can't think of much more.