Life has been stressful, eye opening, transforming, hard, up-setting, refreshing and altering, the last 2 years. Sometimes when i was just so depressed and lonely i wondered why God put me through some of the things He put me through. And now that I have, through the support and strength of Christ, gotten through some really hard times I can see His guiding hand in all of it. It has gotten me not only closer to taylor and made me learn to trust him more and to want to be comforted by him, but it has drawn me even closer to God and also, helped me learn to trust Him.
Trust has been so hard for me. I don't know why. Maybe my issue with trust comes from never seeing my dad, who always was working, and seeing my parents marriage not as a marriage, but as two people living together. of course, it wasn't until this last year that I realized what was happening with my parents, when my mom told me they were going to marriage counseling. It was like a huge block smashing me in the chest. My whole childhood,I saw what I thought was a great marriage. My parents were faithful to eachother. My dad was a hard worker. My mom stayed at home and taught us kids. Until now, i never saw that my dad was ignoring my mom through work, my mom was never communicating, there was no intimacy, they never went out on dates, my dad never communicated. It was a cold, lifeless, rotting marriage. I found out recently that my mom had been molested and raped as a child and younge adult. And my dad had been struggling with depression for quite a long time. not only were they not communicating with eachother, they were not communicating with me...or my brothers for that matter. Are family had fallen apart. And all this came to my realization right after i got engaged to taylor. How horrified was i, realizing how failed of my a marriage my parents had, and now i was expected to start my own marriage without any good guidance, and training form the two people who should have been preparing me my whole life. It was frutstrating, overwhelming and angering. i just didn't know how to deal with that.
....those are my thoughts right now. I have to go now. but more stress-relieving to come. :)