I found out last night, through a face book chat, that a good friend of mine was killed recently. Her name was Laurah Sylva. the last time i saw her was a few months ago. i randomly ran into her at multnomah where i found out she was actually going to school there. i was so excited to see her! litterally a few days before that i was at home digging through some old papers, and i found this little blue note that she had written to me severals years earlier during one of TCL weeks. I remember sitting on my floor reading the note and realizing how intense of a spiritual impact she had on me. one of my most favorite things to do was machette the trails with Laura and Eric and Bobby. there was this one time when Bobby and Laura planned this "picnic" up on one of the more remote trails. we packed some lunches and a couple huge juggs of water and drove to a drop off point, where we hiked for about fifteen minutes to this beautiful spot. Bobby and Laura had us all spread out and for 6 hours we did nothing but read the Bible in solitude. we had a break after three hours. (i am pretty sure it was six hours...) that was the coolest thing we did. and the nights in the girls room were spent talking about God with Laura. she loved Him so much and that love spread to me. so as i looked at that note i thought of her. and a few weeks later we ran into each other. we set a date and a time and got each others numbers, and in a few days we were sitting in then commons catching up. it was so nice to take time from my hectic life to be able to see her again and to hear all the Lord was doing in her life. i asked her if her and bobby were going to start having kids soon, and she said any surprise would be a good surprise (not excactly what she said...a definate paraphrase.) she told me how her and bobby were looking into doing some extreme adventure camps. it sounded so cool and exciting. Laura loved extreme sports. that's what i loved about her. how adventurous she was. she was one of the coolest women i know! and i miss her so much already. i can't stop thinking about Bobby...and how lonly he must be every night. and it tears my heart. i cried alot last night. it dawned on me this morning that i still have her number, i was looking forward to calling her somtime and asking if she wanted to go out for coffee and talk. i think this is the first time that i have lost someone close to me. i know i hadn't seen her in years, but the memories of her keep flooding in. i remeber walking in her room on her wedding day. she looked absolutely amazing! and i knew bobby was such a lucky guy. she looked so happy! oh my...i'm going to start crying again. just thinking about the pain that death brings, it's horrible. but i also can't stop thinking about how happy she must be with her saviour. i have to keep telling myself that, yes i will miss her, but she is by the side of the Almighty God, her creator. i am almost jealous, but still quite sad.

sooo...i must say, there has been a lot of things going on in my life that need to be spilled out. several months ago i applied and was accepted to Multnomah Bible College. I thought it was going to be a breeze. I knew i was smart, and I knew God would "guide" me in how I should live my life. Little did I know that 1) My relationship with God was on "thin ice" and 2) satan really was going to distract me. there was this guy at work and his name was Jake. we were pretty good friends at first. we always got to take our lunches and breaks together and I got to get to "know" him. He was a good Christian guy who seemed to love the Lord and he worked at his church every sunday in the sound booths. I even went to church with him a couple of times (one of those times resulted in me getting a speeding tickette because i was late in meeting him there). it never dawned on me that my relationship with God was slowly being pushed aside to make room for what i thought might spring into a nice relationship (not a friendship, but a dating relationship) with...Jake.

Jake was a very physical guy. he was alwasy coming up to me and asking me for a hug.,and for months i refused! i never just go and Hug guys for the fun of it. thats definetly not in my nature. but he seemed like he wanted it and soon after i started going to school i gave in and started...oh my! HUGGING JAKE! yes i know. shocker. i started to really like hugging him and looking forward to the days we worked together. i would always find ways to get the same jobs with him, and i'm pretty sure he did likewise. he was great! but there was one problem...Christ was pushed off to the side. I could hear him, almost literraly, saying "Carina, that's enough of that guy. He doesn't love me, and wants nothing to do with me, and he is LYING to you." yeah, i heard God say that, but i refused to listen. i was to excited that i might have finally found someone that i was comfortable with and i could talk to and laugh with. we went on a couple of "dates". double dates with me and jake and my friend ivan and his girlfriend. twice we went to the movies and we had a very good time.

half-way through school, things started getting tough. my emotions were strained and the work load was piling up. I found myself sitting in class, day dreaming of "jake my lovely jake" instead of studying the Bible. my grades started dropping, homework started building up, stress kept me up all night and kept me on the verge of tears during the day. i know a part of it was working full-time with ten credits and no sleep...but i also know it was more than that. Jake was always at the top of my mind. my boss kept telling me i needed to choose between my relationships and my job if i were to be promoted. sadly i wish i had listened to him. because once i was promoted, my life became a living Hell. jake turned into a little monster, and his true nature began to show. the first day i was promoted i kept catching him with his cell-phone out on the sales floor. i kept asking him to put it away, but he would just laugh at me and tell me he didn't care about his job.

one night, as i was walking past the checkstands, i glanced down an aisle and saw jake, with another girl and they had just finished kissing on the lips. my heart stopped. i kept telling myself i didn't see that, why would jake do something like that. a few minutes later i ran up to the office (becasue i was an emotional wreck) and burst into the breakroom to find jake and this girl sitting at the table. jake said "hey come meet my cousin". there was a moment of relief and also a moment of doubt. why would jake kiss his cousin on the lips...uuum....grosss (lol i am so glad i can laugh about this now...beware...this all might sound like a stupid soap-opera). i said hi to her and went and sulked in the office. not much work got done that night. a few days later i was standing up in the office with inez, another manager, and we were talking about what was to be done that day. i was watching jake in the checkstands. he has a funny way of talking to the customers that always made me laugh. inez noticed i was watching him and she asked me if i liked him. i said yes. she told me she knew i liked him and that is when she looked me in the eyes and told me he was messing with me. she told me that girl he called his cousin was actually his girlfriend. i STILL didn't want to beleive it! i STILL lied to myself and i STILLED ignored God shaking my shoulders and screaming at me to come back! what an idiot i was. there were a couple nights where i begged jake to tell me if he had a girlfriend. he kept saying he didn't. those were the nights that i cried...alot...at work. to make a long story short and to deprive you of all the times i cried to ivan and my boss and to jake....jake eventually quit, i got D's in my classes and jake has never confessed to having a girlfriend during the times that we went on those two dates and ALL the times we flirted at work. yeah. it sounds absolutely STUPID! nothing physically ever happened between me and jake, but i have reason to beleive it has between him and his girlfriend, alot more physical than hugs and that makes me really sad. sad, because i thought he was better than that.

needless to say, i have reason to believe God used this time to push me to my limits. it took alot of tears for me to relize Gods powerful love for me. a love that most certainly can't be filled by any physical relationship, at least a relationship that isn't centered around Christ. jake is in the past and i have only my future to look forwatd to, and now it is looking up! and i am excited to see who God brings into my life! thanks to all of my friends who never stopped caring about me. and yes joy...i went on a couple dates...are you proud of me ;) hahahaah!!!!!