i want to study the Bible again with you, and share my insight...if i get any. But usually i just bombared people with questions...and most of the time my thoughts are weak. i'm sure all of the people who know me closest would remember me as someone who wasn't very thoughtful or didn't try to think as much as a normal person. but the truth is, i'm not sure how to think. I always have this deep fear, that if i give my opinion on Biblical matters that the person hearing me will be offended or try to talk me out of whatever i just said. i'm a social wreck. my life is centered on what others think of me. i know that's no way to live, and i know it will be really rough getting past that personality traite. but i also know that with God's help anything is possible. who knows. maybe He created me like this for a reason. i know, with the way i am, if i had been in Highschool, i probably would have turned out to be a fake Christian. one who went to church but defied everything God has set before us. i'm a follower and i want to be accepted. and it's painfull when i'm not, and that's when i begin to hate myself.

oh well. i don't know why i said all that. but i won't erase it. i hate it when people see me as strong and "perfect". I've had so many people call me "perfect" it's not even funny. and that was coming from another beleiver, which really upsets me...but i do appreciate evry un-beleiver who has pointed out God in me whenever i try to be hidden. not that i want to hide God, but i'm not social in any cercumstances. i'm like the leaste social person in this whole world. and you say "no way...your like best friends with everyone in your church..." well. let me just explaine that when you go to India for two years and you become like a daughter to all of those older guys on the team and you become even closer to all those younger people, and you leave random messages to masami, who without telling me, broadcasts that to the whole church, you'd better beleive i'd become well known. not that i like ebing known. it just sortof happens.

anyways. the bottom line is i hate being social. i get serious anxiety whenever i'm around people who i am not comfortable with. it's the most annoying feeling wanted with every part of you to be accepted, but you yourself not wanting to be noticed. oh well. that's life i guess...

i'll write a whole long post about God and what He's telling me in His word in like an hour...so keep looking. it will be inspired! i promise.