So my parents had a great time at the wedding retreat. They came back inspired and excited, and it was really encouraging to see. Today me joy, alissa and adi all went to Micheals and shopped for invitation stuff. It was really fun. I was a little overwhelmed because i really didn't know what I was looking for, but in the end I got some good things to start with. Then i met up with Taylor and we went and looked at apartments for him to move into. One was an apartment complex, it was really nice. Nice kitchen and the rooms were a decent size. It had it's own balcony and little storage unit. I really liked it. oh, and it also had it's own laundry, wich was awesome. :) The other place was alright. It was a little over our budget, so we will see.
So lately i have been feeling depressed and worn out. I am so overwhelmed with the wedding planning. I don't even know where to start, and there is so much. It just makes me feel like pulling out my hair or punching a wall. I am glad, though, that i took at least a small step towards it by getting stuff for invites, but it seems so meenial. I just have to keep telling myself that it will turn out well in the end. I just feel like there will be alot of people who will be judging my decisions, so i am not looking forward to that. aaaah well. I am off to nurse my pounding headache...

so tomorrow my parents are going on a marriage retreat for 3 days (without crystal). i am so proud of them. i was so discouraged on my last post, but God has been faithful to my prayers and has taught me to trust Him. i knew that trusting God was something i needed to work on, and i prayed about it. and lo and behold, just like when i prayed for patience when i was 15, He answered in so many different ways my head is spinning. i want to thank joy. she said something to me, when i first found out my parents were struggling that sticks in my mind. she said "be glad your parents love eachother enough to go to counseling." i didn't know how to feel about that or not, i just wanted their marriage to be instantly better. but i should've known it would take time, silly me. i'm glad they were willing to stick it out. also, i want to thank God who put taylor in my life. without taylor, it would have been so much harder to go through this. he was there to comfort me, and to talk through it with me, and since he had already experienced worse than what i had to go through, he could relate. God is always faithful. i now kindof understand the verse that says God will only give you what you can handle.
the newest things on my "stress list" is my car. about 2 days ago i was driving back home from taylors and i shifted up to 1st and my car wouldn't accelerate and it started to shake really bad. so i pulled over by the fire-staion in estacada and (having left my phone AT taylors) i walked back to taylors so he could give me a ride home. the next day i had my car towed to a muffler store. all day yesterday and today i worried and worried about my car. will i have to shovel out a bunch of money to fix it? will i have to get a new car? if i fix it, how long will it take? will i be able to get to work, or will i have to ride my bike or walk? i am just so worried about it. yesterday i almost threw up i worried so much! Gah! i hate it when i do that. i need to again, learn to rely on God and His strength in thisn area of my life, but it is hard.

so i am thinking about making glow sticks for my centerpices for my wedding. i saw some pictures and they looked really cool, and instead of sparklers for being sent off, we will just have everyone grabbed the glow sticks and use those. i thought it was pretty unique. :) i found a websire that sells 100 glowstick for 14$ thats really cheap! :) yeah baby!

Life has been stressful, eye opening, transforming, hard, up-setting, refreshing and altering, the last 2 years. Sometimes when i was just so depressed and lonely i wondered why God put me through some of the things He put me through. And now that I have, through the support and strength of Christ, gotten through some really hard times I can see His guiding hand in all of it. It has gotten me not only closer to taylor and made me learn to trust him more and to want to be comforted by him, but it has drawn me even closer to God and also, helped me learn to trust Him.
Trust has been so hard for me. I don't know why. Maybe my issue with trust comes from never seeing my dad, who always was working, and seeing my parents marriage not as a marriage, but as two people living together. of course, it wasn't until this last year that I realized what was happening with my parents, when my mom told me they were going to marriage counseling. It was like a huge block smashing me in the chest. My whole childhood,I saw what I thought was a great marriage. My parents were faithful to eachother. My dad was a hard worker. My mom stayed at home and taught us kids. Until now, i never saw that my dad was ignoring my mom through work, my mom was never communicating, there was no intimacy, they never went out on dates, my dad never communicated. It was a cold, lifeless, rotting marriage. I found out recently that my mom had been molested and raped as a child and younge adult. And my dad had been struggling with depression for quite a long time. not only were they not communicating with eachother, they were not communicating with me...or my brothers for that matter. Are family had fallen apart. And all this came to my realization right after i got engaged to taylor. How horrified was i, realizing how failed of my a marriage my parents had, and now i was expected to start my own marriage without any good guidance, and training form the two people who should have been preparing me my whole life. It was frutstrating, overwhelming and angering. i just didn't know how to deal with that.
....those are my thoughts right now. I have to go now. but more stress-relieving to come. :)

i would paint something like this.