I feel like i need to explaine alot! All the posts that i posted of school were really depressing and horrible and i said how much i hated school and i wanted out. That is not true. The Lord used those trying months in some intense ways and it took stepping outside of school and work and my relationships to actually understand why He put me through what He did. Let me explaine. I walked into school thinking it would be a breeze working full-time and taking ten credits. But ten credits at Multnomah are not the same as ten credits at CCC. I found that out the hard way. I also had to endure extra stress from my job, by getting promoted and having to re-evaluate some "friends" i had made. all this to say i relized 1) i don't want to work where i am right now God has bigger and better plans for me. 2) i DO want to get married. i tried to imagine what my life overseas would be like by myself, and i got really scared. :) and 3) i miss school so much. i really started to get to know some people just before it let out, i finally got comfortable with the routine...and now i really want to go back and finish! so yeah. God worked big things in me. there were several times where i was completely broken. but you only become stronger. and thats what i did. i am so ready for Nepal!

There is a picture of me and my aunt. she is an amazing woman of God. she loves the Lord. I only wish her kids could see Christ in her. Their hearts are so hard. how is it possible that two people who live with someone their whole lives and see that persons devotion to Christ...and even show signs of themselves beleiving...choose to not beleive in Christ in the end. How is that POSSIBLE! i don't know. i love my cousins alot. and i don't want to see them where they will end up if they don't choose Christ over their selfish life-styles. Hell. some days i just want to grab a friend and drive to downtown portland to find Joey, see how he's doing. He is living in a shelter and last time me and my aunt "randomly" (because it was obviously the Lord who showed us where he was...) found him he seemed to be high. we got him subway and he seemed really uncomfortable. he had a friend with him. i dont remember her name. we got them two sandwiches and they pretty much ate and ran. Joey is also gay. it just makes me really sad to think about...

then there is Jessie. she says she is a beleiver, but thats hard to beleive by the way she lives her life. i don't know the full de-tails, just what her mom tells me. she party's , she was living with her boyfriend, she dropped out of college because of her partying and all sorts of other factors. it just makes me sick, thinking of he hypocrisy.

and my heart tears for my aunt. she tried so hard to raise good kids all by herself. with a flakey ex-husband who refuses to pay child support and never saw his kids. man. it just makes me so mad.

i don't know why i even am talking about this. i wasn't planning on it. i just saw a picture of my aunt and just thought of them. I know God will be just in their lives. i will just continue to pray and hopefully get the opportunity to see them and talk to them.

on a happier note! 28 days till i leave for Nepal! i am so excited! i pretty much have all my finacial stuff taken care of. i bought a new camera the other day so i am excited to get to use it. ooo my i am so excited! and i have all my prayer partners plus MORE! thank you all of you who will prayefully support me! i couldn't do it without you! i can't wait till the day comes when i step foot off of that plane and smell the "Nepali" air. Indescribable. :)

so i just barely passes all of my classes at school. i got mostly d's with one "pass" i am not on accademic probation, which means i HAVE to get my GPA up by the next semester or...i am not sure what will happen. it's kindof stressful, but i know it was in an odd way, a good experience. i now know what to expect and i can save up all summer then get a new job when fall term starts up again. a job that is less resposibilty so i can put all my mind into school. i know i can do it! i CAN!!!! and i WILL!!!! i PRAY and HOPE that this is what the Lord wants for me. it feels right! we will see as this new year progresses.

one of the most emotionally draining days i have ever had, was a few days ago. i had been so depressed over school. i knew that when i got off work that i would have to stay up till 4 the next morning working on a project due that day...for a class i will probably fail...but i did the project anyways. so i was a bit bummed, plus i forgot my phone at work and my food card as well so i was hungry. when i got to work, bob my boss called me into the office. *dread seeped down my spine* recap on the night before.

...inez the other PIC who was going to close the store with me, was really sick so she said she really needed to go home. and she really did. she looked like a zombie. so she left, i was by myself. alone. unexperienced. and lo-and-behold...HELL breaks loose about an hour after inez leaves. the store got slammed with customers. a checker never showed up and so i only had like 4 checkers. in the midts of being slammed or...in customer terms...'every checkstand was full and the lines were backing up into the aisles..." DAVID! decides to get his FREAKING TILL JAMMED!!! what caused his till to jam? a bottle cap that he "absentmindedly" shoved under his till because he didn't know where else to put it. so, i am helping customers...trying to get people out as quickly as i can and get the store under control and David is FREAKING out! literally, i though he was going to have a melt down. so...by the grace of God...one of the most annoying customers ever comes through my line. this old man is notorious for taking like 20 minutes to write a check...and this bought me enough time to run up to the office, grab a screwdriver and run back down (he was still writing the check oblivious that i had even left...) i then spent about five minutes trying to pry the till open, david freaking out behind me, jake leaving his lunch to come down and check even though i didn't ask him to, and customers getting mad that david wasn't checking in his jammed till. GOSH! so i made david check in my till why i tried to figure out what i should do...then jake came up. my hero! and after another 5 minutes popped the till open. and david could go back to his till...and by then...it slowed down considerably. on top of that...jake got his 400$ phone stolen, and he was blaming it on david...and he was in a "pity me...i hate my life" mood and he didn't want to work. so when he went back to lunch he took and extra 15 minutes...and James...another checker, told me that jake was late in getting off of his lunch and when james went on his lunch he took and extra 10 minutes...just to be "spiteful". and i really had no idea what to say to either of them. so i just let it slip. nothing got done that night. i did one little thing. when it came time to close i couldn't balance the safe, so i called inez...and she came down to the store, half dead...and balanced the safe for me. ooooo...it was such a horrible night.

sooo. all that said, bob called me into his office the next day, and i knew he wanted to talk to me about that night. i had already been on the verge of tears all day so as i slowly climbed the stairs, i could feel them welling up in my eyes and i knew...there was no way i was going to be able to hold them back.

i stepped into the office, bob said have a seat, so i sat, and he grabbed some papers started sorting them and said "so, tell me about last night." he didn't look at me. i just kindof said..."uuuuuuu....." and then he said lets go into the inner office so we don't get interrupted..." so i walked into the office...tears already pouring down. bob didn't see till he came in behind me, closed the door and turned to face me. he seemed a little shocked and he said "WHAT'S WRONG!!!!" and alls i could say was "sorry i'm crying..." hahaha...wow. i am lame. so for litteraly over an hour we sat in the office...and i cried the whole time. starting from the beginning of the day i told him everything that happened. my eyes were burning. i would control myself for a little bit..then bob would say something that would trigger more crying, like "your doing a great job really!" or "how did you handle jake and james?" ugh! after that dreadful meeting i ran to the bathroom. made my face look somewhat decent and i told myself i'd tell people i was getting sick if they asked about my eyes. then i ran around and tried to work hard. i went into the backroom and inez was there. she took one look at me and she said "you've been crying. what's wrong?" well...good job carina for making yourself look like you were ok! alot of good that did!!!! aaaah! so of course what do i do? i start crying again hahaha! and inez gave me a nice pep talk and told me not to let people walk all over me. gosh. i was so drained after that. i'm glad inez was there that day, and that she stayed!

and then...i went to school and stayed up till 4:30 am painting then i had to get up three hours later for class...and then after class...i took a 2 hour nap and then went back to work. oh boy! i was so exhausted. i just wanted to DIE!

so i sortof hate being a PIC. i don't have what it takes to be a manager. everyone tells me "yeah! it's a good opportunity, take it!" or "your doing great as a manager!" but i know i'm not. there are a few employees that i just can't stand bossing around, because i've gotten so close to them, even though they are so lazy and they don't work hard. then there are a few employees who really intimidate me, especially when they get an attitude. and yeah, i pretty much am the most pathetic PIC ever. i'm contemplating giving up the position so i will be less stressed. i hate it when i'm stressed out. i snap at people i don't mean to. and i get annoyed really easily.

anyways, onto school. i beleive i might just barely pass english, i am probably going to fail Pentateuch, and spiritual life i will probably pass, and World Christianity i will, God-willing, pass.

*sigh* i cannot wait for school to be over!

so here is a paper i wrote after listening to a lecture by Domoni Pothin. i liked what i wrote and decided to share with you...

The World Around

When Domoni was beginning her talk on prayer, I knew it was going to be eye opening. Especially after she made everyone who was chewing gum, to spit it out. Whoever would have been distracted by someone sitting next to them, to move. And whoever had a drink by them, to move it away. I thought it was so cool how she made us stand when she prayed, it made me feel like I was having a deeper respect for God.
She made me think about why I pray by asking a question.“Why do we pray? To feel good? To control God?” and that is so true. So many of us pray out of pure selfishness for our own desires. We think God will obey our every request and when He doesn't we get angry and then begin questioning whether or not He cares. But God is not a being that we can control. I realized how much bigger He is, just by contemplating my habitual “Give me, Give me!” attitude. God gives us so much, in such small, unseen ways, it would probably boggle our minds to understand the vastness of His generosity. Every breath I take, every hug I get from someone I love, even every tantalizing smell I enjoy is really from God. So if I spent more time glorifying and thanking my Father for all the amazing gifts He's given me, how much more fulfilling would my life feel? I wouldn't be spending all my time shaking my fist at God for all the pointless things I've asked for. Instead I could look at what He already has given me in pure enjoyment and have that joy flood my life.
How many times have I prayed a “thankful” prayer that really were just words in my mind and nothing else? How many times have I shaken my fists at God in despair, because He wouldn't grant me my selfish wants and “needs”? I pray, quite literally, that He would allow me to be more thankful in a deeper sense. To look at the world around me and see each beautiful thing as an answer to prayer. God is so amazing and I can learn so much about Him through those blessed moments.

i almost failed this class because i forgot the paper had to be turned in the day i decided to catch up on sleep and skip class. i was so stupid.